There are so many wonderful blogs out there this week as everyone reflects back on the past months and prepares for the Chicago Marathon. I have cried through many of those blogs as so much of what someone else has said rings true for me, but I have not been able to put together my own words as to how I feel right now.
I have been dealing with some regrets. Mostly that I didn't train harder or push myself more. Being a runner was harder than I thought it would be, and I found I was unwilling to take on Kelvin's mantra of "No Retreats, No Reserves, No Regrets." I don't know that I would call it being satisfied with mediocrity as Matt blogged about not too long ago, but then maybe I am fooling myself. I know that I not satisfied with less than the best out of myself in almost every other endeavor in my life, so why is this different? I don't know, and that's what I have been pondering. I think of the quote on my page about running being a decision every day on whether to be a wimp or be strong. I've been a wimp mostly.
That is not to say I am not pleased with the fact that in a little over one week I will walk 26.2 miles. I just don't feel as proud as I'd like. Looking back I can't help but think I could have/should have done more. I am having problems convincing myself this is a big accomplishment. Before I hear all the protests, intellectually I know it is a big accomplishment, but I can't help but feel a little disappointed. At times I feel embarrassed when I tell someone I am "doing" the Chicago Marathon. I don't even know what verb to use. I feel embarrassed that I am just walking. People ask me ,"How long with that take? When I say, "Probably about 7 hours," I feel stupid.
Please don't get me wrong. I know this is a wonderful, major accomplishment for so many people who are walking the marathon, and I am in NO WAY insinuating that it is anything less than a five star achievement for them. I just expected more of myself, and I don't know why I didn't deliver.
Hindsight is perfect and "if I only knew then what I know now" is a worthless sentiment -- unless you use it to do better next time. So I am internalizing what this has taught me and figuring out what I am going to do with the lessons I'm learning. I guess that's all part of the life changing experience of this Marathon makeover. It has to continue on after the 2007 Chicago Marathon is over.
Okay, enough looking back...
Looking forward, Charlie and I are hosting a Halloween party on Saturday, Oct. 27 at 8:00 p.m. and everyone is invited. I have the invitations made and will deliver them to Mark if he'd be so kind as to place them on the sign in table at Saturday's run. (I am so sorry that I will not be with the group on Saturday. I do have to go to Shreveport to be with my Mom.)
I'll post the invite here, too. The house will be decorated to the nines, there will be tons of food and drink, and costumes are not required (but are encouraged). I would appreciate an RSVP (cellsa1@bellsouth.net) so I know how many to plan for.
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10 comments:
You put way too much pressure on yourself. The majority of people would never attempt to even walk the marathon so really have no right to comment. You have inspired us all with your biking to work and training even when traveling. I think you are great and should be proud of yourself!
I will be at a ladies retreat the weekend of your party. I hate to miss it!
Jana
Knock, Knock. Hellllloooooo!!! Cathy, don't you think that most people (no matter how positive they sound) feel like they haven't done enough? BUZZZ!!! Thanks for playing! We have a lovely parting gift for you in the back........Been there, got the t-shirt.
You've done what you could do this year. I admire you for trying to do all of the training WHILE traveling for business and seeing grandchildren and parents! My Goodness, I think back over the Spring when we were huffin and puffin around the track. And you know what, you never lost that smile. Even when I saw you last Saturday just the two of us on the street, you still had that big ole smile for me!
As they once said in a Seinfeld episode, "No soup for you!!" OR as the wise and powerful YODA, Jedi Master once said, "Do or Do not. There is no Try." Now get over it and LET IT RIDE!!! You Marathoner you!! :-) Love Ya!!!
Cathy I have had nothing but complete admiration for you this entire process. All the times that you were out traveling, you still always managed to get your training in and never complained or whined about it. I think that is nothing short of incredible! There is absolutely nothing to be disappointed about! You rock! And look at all these new friends you will have for the rest of your life!
I do know what you mean... I have spent some time looking back over what "might have been" had I bothered to train even just a little more..... Jes LET IT GO... I know you have.... Now is the time to concentrate on what we have done.... Now is the time fo the glass is HALF FULL... not HALF EMPTY.... In my opinion... I'd even go so far as to say it is even better said that it is 1/3 full over the 2/3 empty..... We have ALL DONE something... something big
On another note... THANKS so much for sharing your home... You are so gracious!
I can identify with your feelings of needing to have done more, but try to look at this as part of your life journey. It's not the destination, remember. I just look at this as a starting point, a trampoline for next time. Now that I know what I did and didn't do, I'll relish this one and look forward to meeting more goals next time.
I think many of are feeling the same way, that we could have done more and done better. But since we are still here, with all our pains and our problems and our absences, we have done all we can and that is good enough. Pam said it beautifully, it's not the destination, it's the journey. And what a journey it has been. Embrace it! After all, you're a marathoner!
I'm just going to say Ditto to what Kelvin said. Thanks for always having a smile for me out there on Sat. mornings.
And if you feel you haven't done enough this year, "there is always tomorrow". or next year in this case.
Now, Cathy, maybe you need to sit down and ponder a little more...you will come up with all kind of benefits from what you HAVE DONE...you got the "what you haven't done" off your chest. I agree that I have not done all I could do in my training this year, HOWEVER, it is a heck of a lot more than I did last year. As Pam stated, it is going to be like a trampoline for more things to come. In my last blog, you were foremost in my mind when I spoke of obstacles...you had frequent travel and family illness/commitment that kept you "on the road" and distracted. But you are such a determined, goal-oriented person, that you still trained. I know I would not have. So, pat yourself on the back, and say good start...better things are coming next year!
BTW, Wayne and I plan to come to your party. Thanks for the invitation!
CHeryl
Thanks for the offer on the Garmin, Cathy. I do not use the PC for programming the Garmin. Maybe after the marathon I will putz around with it and learn "all the things" I can do with that Garmin. For the marathon I don't think I am going to program in any intervals. I think I will just run when I feel like it. I will use the Garmin for time, speed and distance. I will keep your number handy and when I want to get techno with it, I'll probably call you for help. Thanks!
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